Bear Control

I just read a tragic news story... Apparently a 5 year old in Kentucky had his entire family eaten by his pet Kodiak Bear. Well, not his entire family - his Grandmother was able to give a brief statement to the press:
"He just slathered them in raw beef before he knew what was happening. No one could have known it would happen."
The family kept the bear in what they considered a safe location - with one leg in an umbrella stand by the dining room table, surrounded by pokey sticks. The family bought the boy the Kodiak Bear from a website that specializes in selling Bears for younger children, as well as shorter poking sticks in primary colors and tiny leashes designed for smaller users. The company's website has a charming animated character, Kenny the Kodiak, and their motto is "My First Man-Eater."

"This is an area of the country where a lot of 5-year-olds own full grown Bears, Lions, Tigers... it's not uncommon for them to receive Boa Constrictors covered in poisoned glue and broken glass fragments for Christmas. This is just one of those complete accidents... 100% unavoidable and entirely unexpected. You just can't do anything about it," said the responding officer, who judged the incident an accident.

"We're still holding the Bear - we'll want to make sure the incident didn't damage any of its teeth and that the jaws are in good working order before we return it to what's left of the family."  
Getting it back in healthy condition will surely bring them closure.