This Is Why You Don't Have Black Friends

An unnamed agent of evil and ratchet sent a tweet out with a 2008 GQ article. The author has undoubtedly been shamed, or recanted, or otherwise spent the ensuing four years paying for his ill considered words. That's the thing about the internet, not even death shall us part. Romantic poets think eternal love is completely awesome until they don't and then they write stuff about how to mourn them. Romantic poets, like while people, have serious control issues.

Devin Friedman looked around his living room and saw he was letting his days go by. He didn't mean to grow up to be this guy. This guy doesn't fit his self image. He has a midlife crisis and like so many of us having one, he hands the bill off to someone else. Instead of buying a sports car and divorcing his wife he decides that he deserves black friends. Devin Friedman doesn't ask himself why black people would want to be friends with him, because he is not looking for people. He is looking for notches on his belt of friendship that will make him feel better about himself. In the article Friedman positions himself with that arch hipster awareness that says "I know this totally sounds racist, but I embrace it so I am actually being post-racist in my racism. Dude, I find racism such a downer so it would completely harsh my mood if you took this in a racial manner." He does it by saying shit like this -

"I couldn’t handle walking around knowing that I have the same number of black friends as George W. Bush"

"I looked like an ass, but apparently that was part of the program. I guess I still wasn’t sure whether this whole thing was a joke or not."

"Mario, like a lot of the people I met, seemed to see me as something more than Devin the individual."

"And this project started to feel like the worst kind of tokenism—e-mail me here! I don’t care who you are as long as you’re black!"

 

"So theoretically I could go to one of these parties. I’d probably be kind of a celebrity, a token-y conversation piece—hey, let’s go talk to the white guy!—and next thing you know, I’d have a new black friend."

"Now I know why I wanted to go to a black party, I thought. Because they’re fun. Because white people really are uptight."

"I have better rhythm than most white people do because I went to a kind-of-black 

high school."

"I told my wife we shouldn’t talk about racial stuff. It should be like we were just having a normal dinner with friends."

Read More http://www.gq.com/news-politics/mens-lives/200810/devin-friedman-craiglist-oprah-black-white-friends-obama#ixzz209Mz85Xu

Bless Friedman's heart, he was trying his 2008 best. In his full article he says a lot of things that people say to me, as they explore the ingrained biases in American life. Here's the thing they almost never ask, the thing Friedman fails to ask in his article. Why do we/ they/ I assume that it is in the best interest of a black person to befriend me? When we count coup based on the color of our social circle we assume we have something to offer. Adding a black friend (or south asian, or any other non white sub group to the white mass) is an appropriation of their body in the same sense any other racist act is. You don't walk up to a white friend and say "I would like to make a white friend. I would like that white friend to display authentically white culture and include me in that culture so I will feel cool. I would prefer it if you wear golf pants, speak in a subdued manner and have a stash of private wealth. I will audition you between these hours." The very act of seeking out a black friend is a racist act. It says that you have the power to choose if you interact with black people. It says that the black person will enrich your life in a way that has value to you. That isn't friendship. It's emotional slavery. 

Black people know this. You are not the first white person to decide it would be awesome to know more non-white people. Perhaps you actually will become friends. Perhaps they will remain a prop in the theater of your life, a place to bounce your lack of bias, a card to pull when someone not beholden to you points out your bullshit. It's a great card, even better if it' s sex partner. "I don't have to examine my words or actions! I know black people!" Eventually they will tire of your benign racism, or your overt racism, or you will tire of their always being angry and making everything about race. This is because you don't have a real relationship. You did not meet someone, enjoy their company and gradually spend more time together. You made a black friend. Like getting a pet but they pick your shit up instead of the other way around. 

The answer to America's social segregation is not in white people seeking out people of color. The answer is in white people continually examining the unconsidered biases we all hold and working effectively as allies in eradicating those messages from our children. When you want to attack generational poverty you give up on the parents. The focus of all, parent and child alike, is on the next generation. We lift them up on our backs because lifting them in our arms leaves us all standing on the ground. Do not make black friends. Help your children become people anyone of any color or background would enjoy befriending. Raise kids who care more when Rekia Boyd is murdered, who keep Aiyana Jones in their hearts, instead of kids who try to accessorize their life with splashes of color.