When You Need A Doormat...

I don't have cats. Let's toss that out right now. Not all white chicks like cats. Something I especially dislike about cats is they way they show their love. I don't need some dead thing twitching on my doorstep. Somehow I've failed to convey this message to my friends and therefore they bring me things they found on the internet. Today is all about some dude named Officially Ice breaking out 10 Reasons To Date White Women. I had to laugh. I've been hearing this nonsense for years. Let me tell you from first hand experience, once you go black? You absolutely do go back. (If you're running into clowns who believe this list.)

10. This one is all about girls getting their hair wet. I know girls with closets full of hundred dollar swim suits that will never see a drop of water. They have absolutely no intention of ever getting in the pool, much less hitting the surf. Granted, a keratin treatment ($300 every two to three months) is cheaper than a weave, but if you're doing hair color as well it's another $150 - $250 and  that splash in the pool becomes a hassle. Of course some white girls wear their hair natural or color and straighten it themselves. Same as black girls.

9. White girls can be verbally abused. This one is true. Many white girls, especially from the middle class, are surrounded by privilege. It is easier to lead them into an emotionally abusive relationship than a black girl who has struggled her way through life. Be careful you don't accidentally select a white girl who has been raised to know her value, not previously abused, or otherwise endowed with self worth. She will knock your head back. Unlike a black girl, she has the government on her side and can land your ass in jail for even minor events. You want to be certain you've selected a victim and not a women when you "put a little aggression in your voice." Remember too, her family can shoot you and the investigation is likely to go nowhere. White privilege can take away as easily as it gives.

8. White girls are unlikely to be named Shaniqua. Absolutely true. Alongside such white names as Katherine, Michelle, Janet, Paris, Halle, Nicole, Toni, Angela and Rose (or Rosa) are names like Krystal, Tiffany, Brandy, Brooklyn, and Candy. Way more classy. He's got us here.

7. White girls are freaky. Damn, I can never say that one with a straight face. Because it's so funny. Every time a black guy tells me white girls are up for anything, no matter how kinky I think he must date a lot of sex workers. The white girls I know sob at the table about the "sick" shit their man suggested. Demeaning things like oral sex, or taking photos, or in the shower, or on the couch, or sometimes even at lunch. Obviously, they sniffle, their man has mistaken them for a whore. If you want your sexual tastes to line up with your partner's sexual taste then just ask. For every white girl that won't  turn the lights on there's one who already slept with all your friends. Just like black girls.

6. White girls do not ascribe to the stereotypes of black culture. Ok. But I hope you're ready to go mudding after the rodeo and maybe get some golf in at the country club. (Assuming you don't work there.) Because one thing white girls love to do is bring a black man somewhere they know he isn't allowed. There's no real danger to them and wow do their dads freak out. Who needs to keep the champagne flowing when you can spike the drama through the roof?

5. White girls will blow their cash on you. There is a what's mine is yours ethic to many white relationships. Of course, what's yours is hers too. If you aren't bringing her the same caliber of gifts she's bringing you - well the door is that way. Most white girls insist on a man who can provide the lifestyle they expect. A man with a lower net worth is man who won't be around long. If you really want nice gifts pick a super old white lady. I know a few guys who picked up cars servicing the widows at Century Village.

4. White girls don't nag, hassle or expect fidelity. I suppose in the business relationship Officially Ice is describing that's true. If she's using you to get her Black Buck Fantasy on then what does she care about the rest of your life? On the other hand, many of these sheltered white girls (you know, the ones with self esteem low enough to put up with the abuse in item 9) can smother you like nobody's business. And those bitches can cry! Kleenex is not raking in the cash from the black community, that's for damn sure. Just look at Hallmark ads! White chicks cry like it's their job. Plus, instead of hassling you they just go crazy. There's a reason every other Lifetime movie is some girl going insane and leaving dead bunnies in your bed. White girls on a jealous rampage will fuck you up and spit on your bones. There's a whole genre of music about it. We call it Country.

3. White girls cater to their men. Can't argue. I know scores of white women who do not work outside the home because their focus is on their man. They hire a maid (or two) for the home, a nanny for the kids, a tennis instructor, a fitness instructor, a beautician, a spa service, a waxer and a host of other people to help them hone their body into their man's fantasy. They'll dump the takeout into the home china for your dinner and smoothly entertain your boss while the drinks flow. Of course these women are also sleeping with half the people they use your money to hire, but so what? It's all about looking good for you, baby. You're paying, we're all playing. Of course I also know struggling single mothers, hard working career women and ladies whose men wait on them. Black and white. You know, like people.

2. For many men the answer to "Have you ever received head from a white woman?" is no. Oral sex is a deeply debated topic in the white culture. Girls who preform oral sex are either whores or preserving their virginity or some combination in between. Men who ask for oral sex are either nasty, normal, or secretly gay. Really, it's a thing. It gets talked about. I know men who haven't had a blow job in ten, twenty, thirty years. They think black women give them up like little pez dispensers. I guess we all learned something with this one.

1. White girls are more fun. OMG yes. Here Officially Ice and I could not agree more. Need proof? CASEY ANTHONY! Did she let a dead kid get in the way of her party? Oh Hell No! Girl got herself a tattoo and went dancing. If you want to party till the body is found there are white girls right there with you. Marry one and you'll never have to worry about staying home!

On reflection I can see why these myths about white women have endured. I thought I was going to disagree with Officially Ice a lot more than I really did. All the uptight church girls, the hard working redneck girls, the obsessively jealous and the serial cheaters have one thing in common - black dudes who hate black women are willing to date them. Lucky, lucky us.